I don't think we're in Sacae anymore
by SodiumMan
Summary: Parody of Wizard of Oz, with some rather...ooc-ness attached. How fun! Dorthy is played by Lyn, the Cowardly Lion is Eliwood, the Scarecrow is Mark, Guy is Toto, and the Tin man is Hector! COMPLETED
1. Meet Lyn and Guy

Ok

Ok…I decided to redo the first couple of chapters (for grammar and spelling)…because I didn't understand the concept of grammar and spelling when I first wrote this…

DISCLAIMER: I DO own the fire emblem game, but I do NOT own fire emblem characters ect ect. (Though I wish I did...)

* * *

"talking"

"thinking"

"_**mani katti talking"**_

* * *

Lyn was a happy Sacaen plainswoman who wandered around randomly killing bandits with her pet myrmidon, Guy. One day as they were just finishing off some bandits, an ice dragon came out of no where and snatched them up!

"Oh dear!" exclaimed Lyn, "Guy! DO something!"

"Waaaah! I'm scared!" whimpered Guy.

"Oh you are SO worthless!" said Lyn, disgusted.

And so they rode in the claw of the ice dragon for many days, until one day, the dragon suddenly dived down, and… had some fun with some villagers…

"AAAAH! DRAGON! OH DEAR GOD! SAVE US! AAAH! NO! MY HOUSE! AAAAH! MY LEG! IT ATE MY FUCKING LEG! OH JEZUS!" the villagers shouted as the dragon continued razing the village.

"Quick Guy! Now's our chance to escape!" shouted Lyn, dragging Guy away from the crazy dragon. Eventually the dragon got bored and flew away.

"Whew, glad that's over with." Lyn says emerging from the bushes, only to be confronted with a large group of torn and bloodied villagers.

"Whose dragon was that?" asked the village mayor in a quiet voice, with a strange gleam in the back of his eyes.

"Umm…" stammered Lyn, trying to buy time.

"IT'S LYN'S! IT'S ALL HER FAULT! SHE KIDNAPPED ME! OH PLEASE DON'T HURT MEEEE!" wailed Guy from behind Lyn.

"You little backstabbing…" Lyn started, but was stopped by a tremendous cheer from the villagers.

"YOU'VE SLAIN OUR EVIL LORD! HUURAH!" and suddenly little children burst out of the houses and started singing "Ding dong the bad man is dead…"

"I don't think we're in Sacae anymore Guy…" muttered Lyn looking rather frightened.

"Gee, no, yah think?" replied Guy acidly.

"You see," said the mayor, with tears rolling down his cheeks, "We were plagued by a villainous lord who was slowly taxing us to death! But then, like a godsend, your dragon swooped down and sat on him! Oh thank you so much! How can we ever repay you?" gushed the mayor.

"Well…" began Lyn, thinking of all the money they could swindle out of the rejoicing villagers. "We could use some cash…"

"I'll one up you my friend!" exclaimed the mayor with a bright idea, "HEY EVERYONE!" he bellowed, "FROM THIS POINT ON, THIS YOUNG LADY- what did you say your name was miss?"

"Um….Lyn."

"THIS YOUNG LADY, LYN, WILL BE OUR NEW RULER!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAY!" shouted the crowed.

"Uh…wait! I don't want to be…" stammered Lyn. "AND TO SHOW YOU JUST HOW GRATEFUL WE ARE, WE WILL GIVE YOU OUR SACRED SWORD, THE MANI KATTI, AND 10,000 GOLD!"

"On second thought, I think I _will_ take up that offer…" said Lyn, eyes shinning. _"Ten thousand gold…ten thousand gold…" _the number just kept repeating in her mind.

"BRING OUT THE SWORD!" bellowed the mayor, now quite drunk. An old priest came forward with a shinning blade.

"This is the Mani Katti, our sacred sword, handed down…"

"Yeah, yeah, tell it to someone who cares!" muttered Lyn as she excitedly grabbed the sword. "Oooh! So shiny!"

"_**And I'll get shinier if you feed me some souls, babe."**_ Said a disembodied voice.

"Oh! And you can talk too? How exciting!" squealed Lyn.

"_**SHUT UP AND FEED ME!"**_ thundered the blade.

"Yes, well, alright…" she swung around to find a likely victim…only her sword kinda…accidentally…sliced off Guy's head… (a/n I really don't mean to bash on Guy so much…I like him, I do…its just…this kind of thing happens in the game for me…I've never actually seen Guy survive past like…10 levels after I get him)

"_**Oooh…that was good…"**_ murmured the sword as it ate Guys soul. Lyn stared in amazement. The sword actually _did_ get shinier after eating a soul!

"Of course you'll have to go to Ostia in order to get actual rights to this province…" the mayor blathered on, not noticing the demented gleam in Lyn's eyes.

"This Ostia…there are people there? Many of them?" asked Lyn eagerly.

"Why, of course my dear child! It's the most populated country in the world!" (a/n is it a country? City? Province? Whatever you know?)

"_**Ahahaha…Excellent…"**_ murmured Lyn, now fully possessed by the blade.

"HEY! I AM NOT!" shouted Lyn in protest.

"_**She's right, you know, I didn't posses her…but I took a ventriloquist class in demonic swords school and I thought I'd have a little fun…"**_ explained the sword.

"Um…who are you two talking to?" asked the mayor, just realizing that they weren't paying attention to him.

"Umm…"

"_**Umm…"**_

"Hey sword."

"_**The name is Mani Katti, or any combination of the aforementioned name, not sword…and yes?"**_

"Wanna go on a mad killing spree before we leave?"

"_**Sure…I'm always ready for more soulsss…."**_

"But first…excuse me Mr. Mayor Sir, but…just how do I _get_ to Ostia?" inquired Lyn.

"Oh it's easy! Just follow the Yellow Brick Road!" exclaimed the mayor jovially. "Excuse me?"

"I said, follow the yellow road…" repeated the mayor, looking concerned, "Is there something wrong with your hearing dear?"

"_**SOULS!"**_

"Aaaahhh!"

SLICE CHOP SLICE SLASH CRITICAL HIT!

After completely annihilating the village and all the farms around it, Lyn and her new shiny blade headed off down the road, humming a cheerful tune…a cheerful tune of DEATH! DUN DUN DUUUUN!"

* * *

Guy: why did you kill me? sniff...

Me: there, there... (pats on back)


	2. The Evil Witch of teh SE

Ok

DISCLAIMER: FIRE EMBLEM IS NOT MINE...YET! YOU JUST WAIT TILL MY CORPERATE TAKE OVER OF THE WORLD! THEN **ALL** WILL BE MINE! WAHAHAHA!

ok on to the story!

"Talking"

"_Thinking"_

"_**Mani Katti Talking"**_

* * *

So after killing everything in sight, Lyn and new brand new shiny sword skipped merrily along the Yellow Bri— err….yellow road. And suddenly, a rune on the ground flashed, and in a cloud of purple smoke, appeared a man in black with a turban covering one eye.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeehehehehe! Fear me! I am the Dark Druid of the Southeast! Negral!"

"O…k…"

"I have reports that you slew my dark minion of the West!" screeched Negral, "And now you shall pay!"

"NOT SO FAST!" Thundered a voice, followed by a body… a really, really, really old body. "Are you alright my dear?" he asked Lyn.

"And you are…?"

"Me? Why I am none other than the might Fairy of the Southwest! The good Fairy Athos!" he proclaimed grandly.

"You senile old bastard! You're the ARCHSAGE from the Southwest!" shrieked the Druid.

"Yes…well…I wanna be a fairy…" mumbled the Archsage.

"Oh screw this! You've ruined my dramatic scene, so there's no point in staying!" proclaimed Negral in a nasal voice, "But I'll get you yet, my pretty, and that cool sword too!"

"Hey!" protested Lyn, "I am not 'pretty' I'm 'sex goddess'!"

"_**And I'm not cool…I'm sexy**_" murmured the sword.

"Is that so?" Negral squinted. "It is! My apologies! Ahem, I'll get you yet, my sex goddess, and that sexy sword too! Yeeakakakaka!" cackled Negral as he disappeared into more purple smoke.

"My dear girl," said Athos, putting his hands on her shoulders, "Negral is quite insane, you must be careful! Now, the only way for you to return home is to go ask the mighty Wizard of Etruia, Pent"

"Right…I'll get on that…"

"The way to him is to follow the yellow…road." Continued Athos as his hands slowly slid down from Lyn's shoulders.

"Uh huh…got it!" said Lyn brightly while stabbing the Fairy…Archsage in the foot.

"OH JEEZUS H. CHRIST! WHY THE FUCKING HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR!" howled the injured Athos as he rolled on the ground.

"Hmm… lemme think about that…oh yea! CUZ YOU'RE A FUCKING PERVERT!" said Lyn, kicking him for good measure.

"_**You shoulda let me eat his sssoul"**_ murmured the Mani Katti to Lyn as they walked away from the slowly dying Archsage.

"I would've, but the author plans on him coming back later on." Said Lyn as they strode on.

Soon they came to a fork in the road.

"So…which way do we go?" asked Lyn to no one in particular.

"Why, to get to the place you want to go, you must go 5 panels up, 3 right, 2 left, another one right, and then 5 down!" said a voice.

"Huh? Who's there?" asked Lyn whirling around.

"Or you could go 5 down, 3 left, 2 right, another one left, and then 5 up!" continued the voice, "Either one is equally feasible!"

"Where the fuck are you?" asked Lyn, still twirling around trying to spot the owner of the voice.

"Why, I'm right here!" shouted a man in a green coat, popping out of a convenient hole right under Lyn.

"Name's, Mark, Master Tactician, I've been stalking you since you landed from your dragon, and after your conversation with Athos, I circled around and hid in this hole so I could peek at your panties…only to find out that you go commando!" he said brightly.

"YOU FUCKING PERVERT! I'LL GOUGE OUT YOUR EYES!" shrieked Lyn, lunging at the unfortunate Tactician.

**Later…**

"Owww…" complained a thoroughly beaten tactician.

"Hmph! You deserved it!" said Lyn, still sulking about the free peek show Mark had gotten.

"You kept saying 'don't kill me, I can be useful on your quest!' when I was beating you into a bloody mess…exactly what quest am I on?" inquired Lyn.

"Why, your quest to see the Wizard of Etruia!" exclaimed Mark, "There's bound to be bandits and stoof, and I can get you through no problem with my amazing strategies! 'Sides, I really need to see the Wizard."

"Why do you need to see the Wizard?" asked Lyn, a bit curious.

"Oh, 'Cuz I don't have a brain." Said Mark while contently munching on a banana.

"You…Don't…Have…A…Brain…" growled Lyn through her teeth at the blissfully unaware Tactician, "And you were planning to make strategies for OUR SURVIVAL?" Lyn yelled at him.

"Yep (munch munch) that's the idea (munch)".

"Say, Mani…"

"_**Yessss?"**_

"In Sacae slavery was allowed…is it still allowed here?"

"_**Oh yesss…"**_ hissed the sword gleefully, catching on to what Lyn was thinking, _**"You could make quite a tidy sum selling a 'master tactician' …especially if you leave out some…minor details"**_

"Such as the fact that he doesn't have a brain?" asked Lyn wryly.

"_**Exsssactly."**_

"Very well, MARK!" shouted Lyn.

"Yes?"

"You're coming with us."

"OH JOY!" shouted Mark, jumping up and down.

So they continued down the yellow road, with Mark singing the most ridiculous song Lyn had ever heard."We're off to see the Wizard! The wonderful, and I'm sure, quite sexy, Wizard of Etruia! We're off to get me a braiiiin! Lyn doesn't wear anything under her dreeeeeesss!" sang the Tactician horribly out of tune. As Lyn's fingers slowly inched their way down to the Mani Katti, she gritted her teeth and repeated in her head, _"Think of the money we can make, think of the money we can make, think of the money..."_

Top of Form

Bottom of Form


	3. Meet Eliwood the Cowardly

mm...rather short chapter...

* * *

"Talking"

"_Thinking"_

"_**Mani Katti Talking"**_

**

* * *

**

**Sometime after the last chapter…**

Lyn and Mark were still walking down the road, when they came to a forbidding woods. "Oh JOY!" squealed Mark, "There's bound to be TONS of bandits in a place like this!" and indeed, there seemed to be many bandits…albeit strangely uniformed ones with surprisingly good weapons…but non-the-less Lyn cut them all down…while the idiot tactician sang and danced in the background…attracting MORE bandits to them.

"S-s-stop evil bandits! Or I'll be f-f-forced to s-slay you!" came a quavering voice from the bushes. Lyn marched up to the bushes and dragged out…a whimpering…_Lord_. "What in the world…?" Lyn stared in amazement. The Lord took one look at all the slain bandits around Lyn and broke down into tears. "Oh please don't k-k-kill me! Oh God…you k-killed all my l-liegemen…p-please! S-s-s-spare me! I-i-I'll give you g-g-gold!"

Suddenly all the uniforms on the bandits made sense…they weren't bandits at all! They were this sniveling Lord's liegemen! "Oops…" said Lyn embarrassed.

"Look, Lord…um…what's your name?" asked Lyn.

"I-i-it's Eliwood good bandit…Heir to the province (country/village/whatever) Pheare (sp?)."

"Well Lord Eliwood, I must apologize…you see I'm just a traveler and well…we kinda thought that you men were bandits…"

"Yea! But thanks to my strategies we beat them bad! I'm Mark, Genius Tactician, by the way, and we're going to see the Great Wizard of Etruia!"

"Oh! Please! May I join your merry band?" begged Eliwood, clutching Lyn with a harsh note of desperation in his voice, "If I return home now, with out my men, my father will kill me! (a/n: obviously his daddy's still here in my version…)"

"Ummm…." Said Lyn, clearly reluctant to take an outcast Lord into their "merry band".

"**_Psst! Lyn!"_** muttered Mani, **_"I know of this whelp, he is known as Eliwood the Cowardly…only son to the Valiant Elbert _**(sp?) **_of Pheare! A strong kingdom…doubtless this was Eliwood's last chance to prove himself to his father…I'm guessing that he wants to go with us to gain courage from the Wizard."_**

"How insightful you are Mani…" murmured Lyn back. _"Hmm…He's a coward now…but if I can make him fall in love with me…then get him courage from the Wizard…I'll have a REAL kingdom on my hands! Not just a lousy village!"_

"Very well Eliwood my dear," Lyn purred, latching on to his arm, "You may join us."

"Oh t-thank you!" Eliwood cried gratefully as he hugged Lyn. _"Uhg…I CANNOT believe I'm trying to seduce this snot-nosed brat…"_

And so the slowly growing group of travelers continued down the road, and soon met up with…

* * *

Oh my, just who DO they meet? How dramatic! Go find out when I update! Go review and maybe I'll update faster! 


	4. Here Comes Hector!

Ok

You know what I realized? Erika from Fe:ss is alot like Eliwood...only a girl...and better! so I decided to use that in this...and then I just finished Pendragon/The Quillian Games, so I decided to put him in here too!

note: to all die-hard xanth fans, I'm sorry if I incorrectly used Clio's talent...I don't remember what she calls it either...soo...yea...

Yeah so this chapter...pretty much is a lot of nothing...but what ever...go read and stoof

DISCLAIMER(S): I DO NOT OWN FIRE EMBLEM, XANTH, PENDRAGON, POKEMON, AND WHATEVER ELSE I SHOVED INTO THIS CHAPTER

"Talking"

_"Thinking"_

_**"Mani Katti Talking"**_

* * *

So Lyn, Mark, and Eliwood are walking along the road right? And as the turn a bend, they see….(enter dramatic music) …a blue haired man sprawled across the road.

"M-my goodness!" stammered Eliwood, "It's my friend Hector! He is obviously under some evil enchantment!" Hector snorts and rolls over.

"Um…I think he's just asleep…"

"Nonsense! Good Lord Eliwood is absolutely right! It is an evil enchantment that can only be broken by the kiss of a brave prince!" proclaimed the brainless tactician.

"Hey…_I'm_ a prince!" said Eliwood, startled. "And as a prince, it is my solemn duty to banish this evil enchantment!"

So Eliwood valiantly bent down to kiss the sleeping Hector, and just before their lips met, Hector opened an eye and said, "And _just_ what do you think your _doing_?"

"Eep!" squeaked Eliwood as the blue haired lord rose like a demon from the darkest abyss of Hell.

"Were you trying to…_KISS ME?_" he thundered, drawing his wicked looking Wolf Beil.

"Aaaah!" screamed Eliwood, while flailing his rapier at Hector.

"Erika! I'm so glad I found you!" shouted an unknown voice from somewhere in the woods.

There was a collective "eh?" and yet _another_ blue haired lord emerged from the woods!

"Erika! Where have you been? And why are you dressed in drag? And why did you cut your hair? And why is your hair _red?_" asked the stranger coming up and grabbing Eliwood by the arms.

"And just who are you?" asked Hector, looming menacingly.

Blue Haired Lord No. 2 glanced briefly in Hector's way. "Ah, I see how they got you, by tricking you with this pale imitation of me!"

"And just whose an imitation of who?" bellowed Hector.

Blue Haired Lord No. 2 glanced at Hector's axe, frowning.

"_An axe…not good, he'll have advantage over me there…what class is he? Knight? No… not with that kind of armor…he's definitely a foreign lord…meaning my Reignlief won't have any advantage either…best to humor the madman…"_ he mused. "Alright good sir, if you must know who I am, I am Lord Ephraim, of the Kingdom of Renais, and you, good sir, have captured my sister!"

"What?" Hector spluttered, "I've never even _heard_ of that country! And what do you mean he's your sister? I've known Eliwood all my life! And he's _definitely_ a man!"

"And how do you know that?" asked Mark snidely, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Hey, do you want to live?" growled Hector hefting his axe threateningly.

"Ahem" coughed Ephraim, "Though she does look extremely different, I'd recognize Erika's fighting style anywhere, plus, she's the only one I know who can wield a Rapier!"

"Ephraim? Is it ok to come out now?" asked an indigo-haired girl from behind a tree.

"Oh how cute!" Exclaimed Lyn, rushing over to the girl.

"Myrrh!" Shouted Ephraim as he started toward her.

"Hey! I'm still talking to you!" said Hector, grabbing his arm.

"**LET GO OF MY EPHRAIM!**" bellowed the little girl as she started to grow…and change…into a giant gold dragon. Lyn stopped dead in her tracks, about three feet away from the girl-now-dragon.

"eep." Was all she managed to squeak out.

"What _is_ this?" screeched a nasal voice, followed by a puff of purple smoke and…you guessed it, Negrel. "I came here because this is my scene to taunt you, now that you have your third party member, and what do I find? That someone has already _unleashed the dragons?_ That's my job! It's my obsession! THIS ISNT FAIR!" Negrel bawled, throwing dark energy everywhere. One spark happened to catch Mark on the sleeve.

"Heeeelp me! I have no resistance!" he screamed, slowly being consumed.

"**RAWR!"** replied Myrrh, blasting Negrel with fire.

"Arg!" cried Negrel, "I'll get you yet my sex goddess, and that sexy sword too!" he screamed after them as he disappeared into a puff of purple smoke.

"This is all wrong! The territories are mixing! You must stop!" cried a young man, perhaps around 18, who looked strikingly similar to the burning Mark.

"You're too late again, Pendragon." Said a man coming out from behind the trees.

"Brother? What are you doing here?" asked Hector, surprised. The man just laughed…and started to change, growing taller, crueler.

"I'm sorry, but your brother is dead..." said Pendragon, "He was killed by Saint Dane."

He gestured at the 6 foot man, with jagged red lighting shaped scars across his head, and icy blue/grey eyes that spoke of insanity.

"It's finished Pendragon! Halla is _mine!_" Saint Dane roared. Suddenly, the air rippled around them, bright lights shone out of nowhere, and music started playing.

"W-what?" stammered Pendragon, eyes wild, "The Flumes aren't anywhere near here!"

"Who needs Flumes anymore? The walls are broken! Welcome to the Convergence Pendragon!" Cackled Saint Dane.

"Where am I? The last thing I remember is being hit by Snape's Advaha Kadavah (sp?)…is this death?" asked a bemused old man with spectacles…one who looked eerily like Athos.

"Oh bless our little Hobbit feet!" exclaimed two short little hairy men with even hairier feet.

"There's no place like home…There's no place like home….There's no place like home…" a girl in a plaid dress muttered as she clicked her red shoes together.

"Where…?"

"What…?"

"How…?"

"Oh Romeo! Where art thou Romeo?"

More and more random characters were popping into the story, too fast to count!

"I love you, you love me…"

"Somebody call for an exterminator?"

"Pika!"

"It's Morphin' Time!"

"Hakuna Matta ta!"(sp?)

Saint Dane had definitely won…utter chaos ruled.

"Enough!" Shouted Clio (from Piers Anthony's Xanth, for those who don't know), "Rewind!" and suddenly, everyone was moving backwards, back through the openings in space in time, back to where they belonged, back, back ,back, back, back, until Eliwood was flailing his Rapier against Hector.

"Aaaah!" screamed Eliwood, while flailing his rapier at Hector.

"Yay! We made a new friend! Now let's go to the Wizard of Etruia!" exclaimed Mark, dancing in a circle.

"Did you say the Wizard of Etruia? Asked Hector. "Apparently that's where we're going…" said Lyn.

"Very well" said Hector, dropping the whimpering Eliwood, "Then I shall accompany you."

"(sigh) What's your reason?" asked Lyn.

"Well…I'm a heartless killer." Replied Hector calmly.

"Excuse me?" asked Lyn, with her eyebrow raised.

"He's not lying" replied Eliwood from the ground where Hector had thrown him, "It's a rare disease, he was actually born without a heart."

"Right…"

"So what are we waiting for? LETS GOOOOOO!" exclaimed Mark, skipping ahead of the party.

And so the girl from Sacae, the cowardly lord, and the heartless killer followed the brainless wonder down the yellow road.

* * *

What was I thinking...?

Bah. I've noticed that because FF has really random formating...the story still looks weird. Helluva too lazy to fix that now...maybe some other time.


	5. Shortest Chapter Ever

A chapter even more pointless than the last one...but at least I updated, right?

* * *

"Talking"

"_Thinking_"

"**_Mani Katti Talking_**"

* * *

"Uhg!", groaned Lyn, "Does this road ever _end_?"

Lyn and Co. had been traipsing along the yellow road for several days now, and there still seemed to be no end in sight.

"My boogers taste good!", shouted Mark, skipping along beside Eliwood.

"I think I just wet myself...", said Eliwood, looking down at his pants.

"Is there even a point to this chapter?" Wondered Hector out loud.

"_**Pshh…I doubt it**_", scoffed the Mani Katti.

And he was right.

* * *

Just trying to get back into this story...havn't looked at this thing for like 4 years... 


	6. The Pity Party

Because that last chapter just wasn't very filling...

And I finished this just in time to watch the anime I was downloading! Yes!

Oh, I forgot to put this up last chapter, but I don't own Fire Emblem, and if I did, I would make sure they stopped releasing these easy ass versions and get back to the hard stuff, ie, the sequel to Blazing Sword.

**"**Talking"

"_Thinking_"

**_"Mani Katti Talking"_**

* * *

**Sometime that evening…**

Lyn and Co. had just bedded down for the night, when a familiar purple smoke billowed out from their camp fire, followed by that really annoying nasal cackle.

"Kyakakakaa!! It is I, Ne- Ouch! What the hell? Why is there a fire beneath me? Ouch! Hot! Hot!" shouted Negral as he hopped up and down trying to put out the fire.

Eliwood took one look at Negral and promptly fainted.

"Uhg! You are _such_ a loser!" shouted Lyn at Eliwood's prone form, "Hector, help me finish this idiot"

"Sure thing", said Hector, easing out his axe and heading for Eliwood.

"No! Not that idiot, _that _idiot!" Lyn shouted, pointing at Negral.

"Geeze, why didn't you say so?" grumbled Hector, "When you use dangling modifiers like that, a guy can get confused…"

"What?" asked Lyn.

"_**What?**_" echoed the Mani Katti.

"When I was little, my parents used me as a kickball!" shouted Mark joyfully.

"Never mind that! Pay attention to _ME!_" whined Negral, "_I'm_ the villain here!"

"…_**You weren't loved as a child, were you?**_" asked the Mani Katti.

"S-shut up!" stammered Negral, "It doesn't matter if daddy never came home for Christmas, or that mommy never tucked me in…or…or that big brother told me that there was a half naked desert nomad named Hawkeye hiding under my bed, and that I couldn't sleep for weeks afterwards! The point is that you've stumbled into my trap!"

"A half naked desert nomad named Hawkeye?" asked Lyn wonderingly, "Man, your brother has some imagination!"

"No Christmas?" gasped Mark, "Oh, you poor thing!" he cried as he ran up and gave Negral a big hug.

"Big freaking whoop" sneered Hector, "_My_ parents both died fighting in a war when I was 6, and my brother has been using me as a dress up doll ever since!"

"Oh yeah? Well _my_ parents were both brutally raped and killed 3 months ago!" shouted Lyn, joining the pity party competition.

"W-w-well. My father is an abusive drunk who thinks I'm a pansy, and is, at this moment, probably putting a bounty on my head…" stammered Eliwood, not wanting to be left out, "Oh, and for the first four years of my life, I was raised as a girl" he added.

"Yeah, that would explain a lot…"said Hector.

"_**You mortalsss make me sssick!**_" grated the Mani Katti, "_**I'm a freaking sword! So shut up!**_"

"Mmmm…yeah…He's got a point…" everyone else murmured in agreement.

"Oh screw this!" grumbled Negral, "Evil Henchmen! Attack!"

Suddenly, the sky filled with flying Wyverns.

"I am Commander Heath, surrender now" droned a bored looking man with green and white hair…dressed as a monkey. In fact, they were _all_ dressed as monkeys.

"So…uh, what's with the monkey suits?" asked Lyn.

"Negral wanted flying monkeys, but they had all been hired out by MGM for some unrealistic movie about a girl and her pet dog finding a magical wizard, so my mercenary group was what he got." Replied Heath.

"…oh, ok…" said Lyn.

"Enough talking! Seize them!" commanded Negral.

"Yeah, sure, whatever…" mumbled Heath.

Soon the sound of clashing weapons filled the air.

**12 turns later**

Lyn moved the final 2 squares up and did a critical blow to finish off the last Wyvern Rider, earning her a level up.

"What in the world? Why didn't this work?" exclaimed Negral, shocked.

"Well, it might have been the fact that you insisted we wear these ridiculous and restrictive monkey suits, and that you forbade us to carry lances." Replied Heath.

"Bah, never mind that! Plan B!" Shouted Negral, and then he blasted Lyn and Co. with a blast of dark magic.

* * *

Good...this is almost done...2 or 3 more chapters and I'll have finally finished a story! Hoorah! lol. stay tuned.


	7. A Half Naked Desert Nomad named Hawkeye

Our heroes(?) are almost to their goal...

* * *

"Talking"

"_Thinking_" ...not that I use this one...

**_"Mani Katti Talking_**"

* * *

"Uhg…" moaned Lyn, sitting up, "Where are we?"

"_**Negral blasted you all with magic and teleported you to a dungeon cell.**_" Replied the Mani Katti.

"Aaaand he _didn't_ take you away from me?" asked Lyn, incredulous.

"_**Well…no one said he was very bright…**_"

"Good point" replied Lyn.

"Don't worry! I've got a plan!" yelled Mark, "OK, here's what we'll do: Hector, you pretend to die, and when the guard comes to investigate, I'll knock him unconscious, then Lyn will put on his clothes and impersonate him, and steal a spoon. Afterwards, Eliwood will dig a tunnel for us to escape through! Pretty genius, huh?"

"…Or we could just leave" said Hector, "He never locked the door…"

"You have _got_ to be kidding me…" muttered Lyn as they tramped out of the dungeon, "There's not even guards!"

"Hey guys…what ever happened to that one girl that hung around us?" asked Mark quizzically.

"What? What girl? Last time I checked I was the only girl here" replied Lyn.

"Oh come on, you know…the redhead with the squealing voice" Mark said.

"Wait…You mean Eliwood?" asked Hector.

"Yeah! That's the one!" Mark shouted triumphantly.

"That's a good point…where _is_ the little pansy?" asked Lyn, looking around.

"_**Negral cackled something about making 'this beauteous flower' his wife or something'**_" answered Mani calmly.

"Oh, Ok" replied Lyn, "Just wondering"

The party continued a few paces in silence.

"You think we should go help him?" Asked Hector

"Well…I suppose we could…" Mused Lyn, "As long as it doesn't slow us down…Hey! Wait a minute! Why do I care if it slows me down? I don't need to see the wizard at all! Why am I even on this quest?"

"To make me your husband!" shouted Mark gleefully.

Just as Lyn was about to take Mark's soul with the Mani Katti, divine inspiration struck her.

"Oooh…that's good…" she murmured to herself, "OK! We're going to rescue Eliwood!"

"Yaaay!" shouted Mark.

**Meanwhile in Negral's bedroom (eeeww)…**

"Don't be afraid my pretty little lotus flower" cooed Negral, "I won't hurt you…"

"E-e-e-eep!" was all Eliwood could get out as he clung to the ceiling's support beam with all his might.

"WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?" wailed Negral, "IT'S BECAUSE I'M UGLY, ISN'T IT!"

While Negral was in the corner sobbing inconsolably, Lyn sneaked in and grabbed Eliwood, replacing him with Mark.

"It's OK! I love you too!" shouted Mark as he glomped Negral.

"OMGWTFBBQ IS THIS?" shouted Negral in surprise.

Negral desperately tried to attack Mark with magic, but Mark clung tenaciously to Negral's back, as all the misfired Flux's started collapsing the castle around them.

"HEY! WHY ARE YOU GUYS IN LORD ATHOS'S CASTLE?" shouted a half naked desert nomad named Hawkeye as he bust down the door.

"AAAHAOGIHDIOAFJEF!!!" shouted Negral as he fell over and started foaming at the mouth.

"Phss!" snorted Hector, "He's not so buff!"

And Hector started removing his clothes. Soon Hector and Hawkeye were staring each other down as they flexed their mighty muscles and rock-hard abs.

"WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS GOING ON IN MY CASTLE?" shouted Athos as he barged in.

"OH DEAR GOD MY EYES!" he shouted as he fell down and started foaming at the mouth at the sight of the man-contest going on between Hawkeye and Hector.

"Oh my god this is getting retarded!" sighed Lyn exasperatedly. She then quickly strode over to Negral and impaled him through the heart, nailing Mark as collateral.

"Arg!" gasped Negral, as the 'Death of a Character' music started playing in the background, "How did you know that my only weakness is being stabbed through the heart by a sharp object?"

"Oh my brother, my brother! Why did you have to pursue this life of evil!" moaned Athos as he threw himself over Negral.

"It's…(gasp)…all your…(wheeze)…fault." Negral replied, "It…(cough)…all started…(sharp intake of breath)…on _that_ day…" he continued, as the 'Death of a Character' song changed into the 'Flashback' song, and the entire world rippled and turned into dull colors.

_A boy with white hair and a flowing beard was running along with a hook-nosed child that had purple turban over one eye…_

"Hold up!" interrupted Lyn, "I am _not_ going to listen to this retarded-ass flashback! Eliwood, Hector, lets get out of here."

"Umph." Said Hector.

"Umph." Said Hawkeye.

And just like that, an everlasting friendship was created between the Desert Nomad and the Lord of Ostia.

"Hey! That's not fair!" whined Eliwood, "I've known Hector since birth! He's never 'umphed' me before!"

"Maybe if you had gotten naked and stared at him for 10 minutes he would have" remarked Mark snidely.

"Aren't you supposed to be dead?" asked Lyn.

"Oh fine, _be_ that way" huffed Mark as he went into a corner to sulk.

"Uhg, this place is a fucking looney bin" muttered Lyn as she stalked out of the castle.

Once outside, Lyn looked around, trying to orientate herself.

"Oh you have got to be _kidding_ me…"

To her left was another castle, this one with the yellow road ending at it.

* * *

I figure one more chapter and an epilouge should wrap things up nicely...see you then! 


	8. Inside the Castle

Just the epilouge left to do now...

This chapter is the longest in the story, I think.

Well, enjoy.

* * *

If you got this far, you don't need my little key to the dialouge. Instead, I'm going to put that disclaimer I keep forgetting.

I do not own Fire Emblem, but neither do you, so there.

**

* * *

When we last left our heroes…**

_Once outside, Lyn looked around, trying to orientate herself._

"_Oh you have got to be kidding me…"_

_To her left was another castle, this one with the yellow road ending at it._

* * *

Lyn stomped over to the castle, with Eliwood and Hector trailing her. She banged on the door furiously.

A slot in the door opened up, showing a purple-haired youth, who peered suspiciously at them.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"_I_ am going to splatter your brains all over this door if you don't open it up!" snarled Lyn.

The youth exchanged stares with Hector and Eliwood.

"PMS-ing!" coughed Hector violently into his hand. Eliwood nodded.

Lyn whirled around.

"Do you _want_ to die?" she asked.

"_**Just open the door Erk, they're with me.**_" The Mani Katti said to the youth.

"Oh! Master Katti! Why didn't you say so earlier?" Erk replied, beaming, "That changes everything! Please! Come in!" he chirped as he opened the door widely.

SLASH!

Erk's head flew across the room.

"_**That felt unnecessary**_" murmured the Mani Katti, glowing brightly, "_**I rather liked the little tyke**_"

"You still ate his soul didn't you?" retorted Lyn.

"LIEK OMG! ERKY!" squealed a voice from their left.

"Oh dear! Sir Erk!" came from their right.

The squealing voice belonged to a young woman with bright pink hair, and the other to a brunette…riding a horse?

"What the heck?" asked Lyn incredulously, "Who rides a horse inside a castle?"

The pink-haired girl reached Erk's body first, and then was promptly trampled to death as the brunette's horse arrived on the scene.

"Out of my way Serra!" the brunette shouted as her horse frisked around on the dead bodies, "Oh my poor Erk!" She moaned, as she pulled up his mangled body, "Look at how they mangled your poor headless body!"

"U-um…d-didn't your horse do the m-mangling?" asked Eliwood timidly.

"SILENCE! I'LL KILL YOU!" screamed the brunette, raising, of all things, a healing staff above her head.

"That's enough now Priscilla" said a brown-haired man running up, "They didn't do anything wrong."

"Cutting people's heads off is _ok_ around here?" Lyn asked Hector, "And you people call us plainsfolk savages!"

"B-but brother! They killed Erk!" whimpered Priscilla.

"He had it coming" snorted Lyn, "He should have opened the door when I asked him too"

"U-um…so you two are brother and sister?" asked Eliwood, trying to diffuse the situation.

"W-what are you talking about? I don't want to sleep with my sister!" shouted the brown-haired man, _very_ loudly.

"…We never said you did…" replied Hector.

"NO! IT'S A LIE! I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH HER! I DON'T STARE AT HER CREAMY COMPLEXION WHEN SHE ISN'T LOOKING! I DON'T DREAM ABOUT DOING NAUGHTY THINGS TO HER EVERY NIGHT!! IT'S A LIE! THEY'RE LYING TO YOU PRISCILLA! DON'T BELIVE THEM!" cried the brown-haired man, slightly hysterical.

"_**Slightly?**_" snorted the Mani Katti, "_**This narrator is retarded**_"

Hey! Shut up!

"_**No, YOU shut up!**_"

I'll write you out of this story!

"_**Psh…you wouldn't do that…you need me!**_"

Oh yeah?

"_**Yeah!**_"

Suddenly Athos ran up to Lyn and said, "I was planning on giving you this later, but now seems like a good time" and handed her what looked like a longer, shinier version of the Mani Katti.

"This is called the Sol Katti, its pretty much a longer, shinier version of the Mani Katti" explained Athos as he grabbed the Mani Katti.

"_**Hey! You can't do this to me! Lyn! Help me!**_" shouted the Mani Katti indignantly as he was pulled off scene.

"Oooh…you're so shiny!" exclaimed Lyn at her new sword.

"_**And I do more damage than that 3**__**rd**__** rate loser, Mani**_" replied the sword, in a distinctively feminine voice.

"Well I'm just going to take my sister, and NOT sleep with her in this room over here!" Raven (because I'm getting tired of typing 'brown-haired man') said cheerfully.

"That's weird…when did we learn his name?" asked Hector

"Hmm…Why am I here?" mused Heath, posing in the background.

* * *

So a bunch of random wandering was skipped because the author felt like getting to the scene where the party meets Pent.

* * *

Lyn and Co. entered the audience chamber and saw a silver-ish haired man sprawled on a throne. Lyn approached him.

"Are you Pent?" she demanded.

"Ahem" said the man, pointing above his head, where a floating sign read:

**The Great and Mighty, and darn good looking too,**

**Wizard General of Eturia,**

**The One**

**The Only**

**Pent**

"Oh…ok then, these two back here have some wishes they want fulfilled" said Lyn, gesturing at Eliwood and Hector.

"Mmm…Yes, I know, I've been watching you Lyndis" purred Pent.

"That's creepy…" said Lyn, backing away.

"Anyways, all you're wishes will be granted if you find the 'Living Legend'" said Pent, smirking.

"What was that?" asked Lyn softly, a dangerous gleam entering her eyes.

"I said all your wishes will be granted if-" began Pent

"ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THAT I HAVE TO GO ON ANOTHER FUCKING QUEST?" roared Lyn, whipping out the Sol Katti, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH MENTAL ANGUISH I HAVE BEEN THROUGH ON THIS JOURNEY?"

"Uhm…w-what I _meant_ to say is that _I'll_ call him over for you so that your wishes can be fulfilled" gulped Pent, staring at the Sol Katti that was inches way from his throat.

"That's better" said Lyn, smiling sweetly.

"Ahem, right then" said Pent, getting off his throne, "Please stand back, I'm going to do a summoning."

A pentagram appeared in front of Pent as he started chanting in the language of magic, "Alling-cay Thos-ay! Alling-cay Thos-ay! Et-gay Our-yay Utt-bay Ver-oay Ere-hay Ow-nay!"

There was a bright flash, and suddenly, Athos was standing in the middle of the room, naked.

"What is it Pent? 'Naughty Knights and their Horses too' was just about to start!" asked Athos, irritably.

"**Oh ho ho ho…There had better be a **_**very**_** good reason that you didn't tell us you had the power to grant wishes way back at the **_**beginning**_** of the story…because if there isn't, you can say goodbye to your nasty wrinkled manhood!**" whispered Lyn, her eyes glowing with unholy fire, and her voice sounding like the cries of the damned in hell, as she pressed the Sol Katti against Athos's…well, you get the idea.

"_**Ewww! Lyn! Get me away from it!**_" moaned the Sol Katti miserably.

"Er…Lets not dwell on the past! I'm here now, so let's get some wishes done!" squeaked Athos.

"Um, let's see here…Eliwood! You wanted courage! Well here you go!" he said quickly as Lyn began to press harder.

"_**Lyn! I was NOT made to do this kind of thing!**_" begged the Sol Katti, "_**Get me away! This is grossing me out!**_"

Athos tossed Eliwood a spear and a slip of paper.

"That's a Heaven's Seal, just press it to your forehead and your hidden potential will be released!" Athos explained quickly while fidgeting, "Oh come _on_ Lyn! I need those!"

Eliwood pressed the seal against his forehead, and there was a bright flash, with some lightning in there for good measure.

"Aaaah!" screamed Eliwood as the smoke cleared, "H-help mee!"

Standing above Eliwood was a pure white horse, who was contently chewing on Eliwood's head.

"Oh yes, and don't forget this" added Athos, tossing Eliwood an oversized sword, "It's the Flaming Sword Durandal, and it's what the subtitle of this game is"

"Owie!" shouted Eliwood, "It hit my arm!"

"Moving on, Oh god! It's bleeding, it's bleeding Lyn! Let up!" moaned Athos, "Aah! M-moving on, Hector! You wanted a heart! Here!" Athos tossed Hector a giant axe and another Heaven's Seal

"Armadas, huh" Said Hector, reading the inscription on the axe, "Well, here it goes!" and he pressed the Heaven's seal to his forehead.

A couple of lighting bolts later, Hector stood there in shiny new armor, wielding the giant axe with ease.

"So…so much POWER!" he exclaimed, swinging Armadas around, "With this…I could take over the world!"

"**CORRECTION!**" boomed a voice from the axe, "_**WE**_ **CAN TAKE OVER THE WORLD!**" and then they both started laughing manically.

"_No fair!_" came a whiney voice from Durandal, next to Eliwood's bleeding arm, "_I got the loser!_"

"S-see Lyn? Everyone got their wish! No need to hurt- OH GOD! SHE DID IT! AAAH!" cried out Athos as he writhed on the ground in divine agony.

"I'm going to burn this place down, so that no one will ever have to go through such a retarded quest ever again!" proclaimed Lyn grandly.

And so, with the help of Hector and Eliwood, Athos and Pent's castles were utterly destroyed, along with everything living in a 6 mile radius.

* * *

Epi should come soon...with luck... 


	9. Epilouge

**Afterwards…

* * *

**

Lyn:

Lyn returned to Sacae as a rich and powerful noble. She enslaved the other tribes of the plains and created the Sacaen Alliance, which she ruled with an iron fist. She married Rath, a talented nomad, but they had a falling out when Maury used DNA testing to prove that a certain blue haired girl was not Rath's.

* * *

Eliwood: 

Eliwood, still fearing his father's wrath, was about to commit suicide…when a certain ice dragon spotted him and mistook him for a fair maiden. Now Eliwood lives the rest of his days out happily inside an enchanted tower, waiting for his Knight in Shining Armor to come save him.

* * *

Hector: 

With the newfound power unlocked by the Heaven's Seal, and the mighty talking axe, Armadas, Hector went back to Ostia and overthrew his brother in a military coup. He then went on to conquer most of the free world, but was defeated when he tried to conquer Russia. (See bottom)

* * *

Mark: 

Mark now lives a happy life as a poltergeist. He peeps on girls bathing.

* * *

Mani Katti: 

The Mani Katti was shoved into a boulder, and then enchanted to stay there. He was stuck there until a boy named Arthur managed to pull him out of the stone…with the help of "Merlin", a great wizard with a flowing white beard…

* * *

Raven: 

Raven moved to Kentucky and married Priscilla. They were destined to become the gods of the Smurfs.

* * *

Hawkeye: 

Hawkeye went into modeling, and eventually had a sex change and became a soldier under Colonel Mustang.

* * *

Villager # 3: 

Eventually got the nerve to ask Villager # 8 out, and then they were married and had many children.

* * *

Eliwood's White Horse: 

Was eaten by the ice dragon.

* * *

So...Thats it. Its over. Finished. 

Oh, a little side note about Hector losing to Russia: I'm poking fun at Hitler and Nepolean, both whom conquered most of the world, but lost when they took on Russia.


End file.
